


Sail on Silver Girl

by littlegreenbottle



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:03:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlegreenbottle/pseuds/littlegreenbottle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the events in Demonology, JJ goes over to Emily's apartment to show her that she doesn't have to cope with her grief alone. JJ is prepared to use whatever means are necessary in order to get through to her friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sail on Silver Girl

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set shortly after Demonology (S4E17) and contains spoilers for that episode.

It had been eight days since they’d arrested Father Silvano, six days since Matthew Benton’s funeral, five days since anyone had talked to Emily, and twenty minutes since the last time JJ left a message on her voicemail. For five days, all she’d gotten was Emily’s voicemail and the only way she knew Emily was still alive and still in D.C. was because she had Garcia surreptitiously track her cell phone.

Despite Emily’s protestations, JJ had insisted on going with her to Matthew’s wake. There are many things in the world that can be faced alone, JJ reasoned, but wakes, weddings, and square dances are the exceptions. Despite Emily’s attempt at detachment, JJ could see the edges of her grief bleeding through. She wasn’t sure which Emily was trying harder to avoid, saying good-bye to Matthew or making small talk with his friends and family, most of whom she knew from their childhood. Following the wake, JJ had tried to gently ask Emily about her time in Italy, but all she received was silence and a look that begged her not to dig any deeper.

Since that day, JJ has been haunted by her friend’s grief, which seemed to run deeper than just a reaction to Matthew’s death. JJ was in her office, thinking about Emily rather than the stack of case files on her desk. She leaned back in her chair, pinching the bridge of her nose while she thought about what to do for her friend. In all the time JJ had known her, Emily’s first instinct has been to close herself off until she adequately packed all of the difficult emotions away into a box. There were times when JJ had succeeded in bending, but never breaking the walls of those boxes before they were packed away for good.

Today was going to be different. On prior attempts, JJ had given up at the first rebuff, not wanting to further upset Emily or have her mad at her. Today was different because JJ knew Emily was dealing with more than would fit in a standard-sized box. Today she was not going to give up until she got through to her friend that she didn’t have to deal with all of this on her own.

#

JJ stood outside Emily’s door, a bag of peanut M&Ms in one hand and a bottle of red wine in the other. She wasn’t surprised when Emily didn’t answer the door. But Emily’s lights were on, and she could hear something like the TV or the stereo playing.

“Em, it’s JJ. I know you’re in there,” JJ said to the door. “Please, Emily, let me in.” Still no sound of footsteps coming to the door, not even a shout of _go away!_

“You know I have D.C. SWAT on speed dial,” JJ told her. “But I’d much rather get through the door using M&Ms and wine rather than a crowbar.”

There was still no response so JJ sat on the floor outside Emily’s apartment and every two minutes knocked on Emily’s door, not saying anything. It took about fifteen minutes for Emily to finally answer the door.

“You’re persistent,” Emily told her, not opening the door wide enough for JJ to enter.

“And you’re avoidant,” JJ countered.

Through the thin opening JJ could see Emily’s stoic façade was gone and replaced with puffy, red-rimmed eyes and a nose that had been on the business end of a Kleenex a few too many times. JJ put on her own mask to hide the sympathy and concern she had for her friend. Because those emotions were not going to get JJ through the door.

“You may as well let me in,” JJ told her after it was clear Emily wasn’t budging. “Because if you close this door on me, I will increase my knocking to every one minute.”

Emily just stared at her.

“I’ve got M&Ms and wine, so I’m fortified for the night,” JJ informed her, holding up the bag and bottle as both proof and temptation.

JJ could see she had won when Emily stepped back from the door, leaving her free to enter. Emily didn’t even wait for JJ to enter before she turned around and headed back to her couch. JJ guessed from the rumpling of Emily’s clothes that there was a likely a matching Emily-shaped dent in the cushions. Rather than following her friend into the living room, JJ went in to the kitchen to give Emily some time to adjust to her presence. She likened it to keeping the fish in the plastic bag for a while until it acclimates to its new surroundings.

One of JJ’s favorite songs, _The Boxer_ , was playing on the stereo. While she was putting the M&M’s in a bowl, she found herself humming along. When she was growing up her mom would play the song on her guitar and JJ and her brothers would play the air cymbals during the chorus. She let herself get lost in the music and didn’t walk in to the living room until the song was ending. Another Simon and Garfunkel song, _Kodachrome_ , came on, but Emily stuck her hand up with the remote and promptly skipped to the next song.

“I agree, far too upbeat,” JJ said as she set the food and drinks on the coffee table.

JJ squeezed herself onto the couch between the armrest and where Emily had laid her head. Emily surprised her yet again when she took JJ’s hint and put her head in her friend’s lap. JJ never would have guessed that Simon and Garfunkel was Emily’s go-to self-pity music.

They didn’t talk much. JJ just held Emily, running her fingers through her jet-black hair. Simon and Garfunkel continued to play, some of the songs JJ recognized and others she didn’t. A familiar one, _I am a Rock_ , came on and JJ was struck by the lyrics. She looked down at her friend lying in her lap and couldn’t help but feel a connection between Emily and this song. When the song ended, Emily spoke quietly.

“I remember hearing this song for the first time. I was nine and it was the first time we’d returned home from being overseas for almost three years. My mom had promised we’d come home at least once a year, but 1976 through 1978 were not the most stable years in Romanian history. Even though we went back to our old house, none of the friends I had even remembered me. And besides, no one wanted their children playing with 'The Commies'. After a week or so of trying and failing to find a playmate, I decided I didn’t actually care. After all, we would be leaving for Egypt in less than a month so even if I made friends, I’d just lose them again.”

Emily had never really talked about her time living abroad. Sure JJ knew most of the countries Emily had lived in, but she never knew anything about the time Emily had spent there. Romania, Russia, Egypt, Italy…Emily talked about them as though they were places she’d been, not places she lived.

“We happened to be in the U.S. for my birthday that year and my grandfather came down from upstate New York to visit us. He bought me a record player and gave me _Sounds of Silence_ for my first album. I’m not sure he knew who Simon and Garfunkel were or why any store clerk would tell him it was a good album to give a nine-year-old for her birthday, but somehow, that’s the one he chose.

“That night, I laid in my bed listening to this song over and over, crying into my pillow so that no one would hear. Those lyrics put into words all of the feelings I had felt for the last three years living in a strange country with no friends and absentee parents, longing to return to a home that, as it turned out, didn’t really exist. I learned how cope with that rejection and loneliness; _and a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries._ ”

JJ’s eyes filled with tears; Emily didn’t notice because she was too busy avoiding her friend’s gaze. What a horrible song to connect with at age nine. When JJ was nine she listened to _Walk Like an Egyptian_ and _I Think we’re Alone Now._ She’s not sure she ever really paid attention to the lyrics, let alone identified with them. Which is probably for the better, JJ mused.  

“You once asked me how I could do what we do without flinching. Well, now you know. On my ninth birthday, I took to heart the lines _I have no need for friendship; friendship causes pain_ and began constructing my own impenetrable fortress. It’s easy to not flinch when your feelings are locked away and you don’t ever let anyone in close enough to matter.”

JJ sat back, taking in everything Emily had just told her. She reached for the remote and hit the back button to replay the song. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she listened to the lyrics that had spoken so deeply to a nine-year-old Emily.

“Oh, Emily,” she sighed, not knowing what else to say. “I’m so sorry.”

JJ felt the stiffening of Emily’s shoulders as though it weighed more heavily on her to have told that story than to have just kept it to herself. Despite the fact that JJ comforts people for a living, she wasn’t sure what to say or do. She knew that she had been entrusted with one of the most intimate parts of Emily’s life and didn’t want to say or do anything to make Emily regret giving her that.

“You know I love you, right?”

Emily sat up, looking directly at JJ for the first time that night. Emily shrugged.

“It means a lot to me that you trusted me enough with that part of you,” JJ told her, putting her hand on Emily’s.

Emily blinked a few times. “It means a lot to me that you were willing to spend the night knocking on my door until I answered,” Emily said softly. She looked like she had more to say, so JJ sat patiently waiting for her to continue.

“There was only one other person who ever seemed to care that much.” Emily paused. “And that cost him who he was,” Emily whispered, as though she were talking to herself rather than JJ.

“Matthew,” JJ said quietly. Emily nodded. JJ knew that something had happened to Emily while she was in Italy and whatever that something was, it had somehow involved Matthew. Emily blamed herself for Matthew turning from the church and his family to drugs and alcohol.

JJ sighed; another piece of the puzzle that was Emily Prentiss fell into place. _I touch no one and no one touches me._ JJ knew she needed to show Emily much she was loved and how that love would protect her, rather than her self-made walls and armor.

She let go of Emily’s hand and walked over to the stereo. She took Emily’s iPod and scrolled through the music. She thought it was both telling and sad that the song she was looking for wasn’t on the current playlist, _Songs for Pitiful Times_. She put the song on, but didn’t hit play.

“I think you need a new song. One that you can listen to and know that there are people who love you and care about you, and who are there for you,” JJ told Emily once she sat back down on the couch. She grabbed the stereo remote, hit play, and then took one of Emily’s hands into hers.

_When you're weary  
Feeling small  
When tears are in your eyes  
I will dry them all_

A look of surprise briefly crossed over Emily’s features. Just as quickly, JJ watched her friend struggle to keep her face neutral. JJ knew she was going to need more convincing so she decided to pull out all the stops. She cleared her throat and began to sing along.

_I'm on your side  
When times get rough  
And friends just can't be found _

JJ tried to get her friend to meet her gaze, but Emily tried just as hard to avoid it. JJ shifted on the couch so that she was almost completely facing Emily and continued to sing loudly and pointedly to her.

_Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down _

_Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will lay me down _

During the instrumental part, JJ hummed along and started swinging the hand that was holding Emily’s. JJ was starting to feel a little self-conscious, but reminded herself that to break through the armor Emily had been building for almost thirty years, it was going to take more than platitudes and promises.

_When you're down and out  
When you're on the street  
When evening falls so hard  
I will comfort you _

A small smile tugged at the corners of Emily’s mouth. As JJ’s singing got a little louder and a little more off-key, Emily’s smile grew a little larger.

“I never would have guessed that the ever-poised Jennifer Jareau, the face and voice of the BAU, would be so tone deaf.” Emily tried to pass off the comment as a light-hearted joke, but her voice was thick with emotion and betrayed just how touched she was by her friend’s efforts.

“Well, I never would have guessed that the unflappable Emily Prentiss would be such a sucker for a sappy serenade.” JJ said, reaching out and wiping a lone tear off of Emily’s cheek.

“Nonsense,” Emily puffed, wiping away another errant tear. She let out a shaky breath as the final verse was playing.

_If you need a friend  
I'm sailing right behind  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will ease your mind_

Watching her friend continue to struggle to keep her emotions at bay, JJ knew that while she’d managed to breach the door, it was going to take a lot more that a sing-along to raze the thirty-year-old fortress. She took both of Emily’s hands in her own and held them tight.

“I need you to know that the next time you decide to hide in a fortress on an island with a rock, I will find you,” JJ told her. She looked her friend straight in the eye to ensure that her message got through.

“And I will stand outside singing at the top of my lungs until you let me in,” she promised.

There was no doubting her friend’s perseverance and Emily sighed deeply, as though resigned to her fate. “I’ve got two words for you,” she said with a wry smile. “Ear. Plugs.”

JJ smiled back. “I’ve got two more for you. Mega. Phone.” And before Emily could argue the semantics of that response, JJ turned up the stereo volume and hit the repeat button.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclosure: The songs featured in this fic are 'I am a Rock' and 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' both sung by Simon & Garfunkel. Both songs were written by Paul Simon and released by Columbia records. I am neither Paul Simon nor the owner of Columbia records, and therefore the material belongs to them, not me.


End file.
